What are boundaries?

Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within a variety of different settings and relationships. Boundaries are essential to having strong and healthy relationships. Having healthy boundaries means establishing your limitations and clearly expressing them. In doing this you are free to be yourself with no restrictions placed on you by others as to how you think, feel or behave.

Why is it important to talk about boundaries?

Good people set boundaries. Those around them know where they stand, you only give away what you have to give away, they can protect you from unwanted behaviours and can help you stay in control of how you spend your time. If you are consistent in holding up your boundaries you will start to reap the benefits- improved self-esteem, self-respect, freedom from harmful behaviours and achieve effective communication.

My clients often come to counselling for a variety of reasons but rarely is it because they come to improve or work on boundaries, but guess what I end up working with a high percentage of clients on ………. you guessed it - boundaries! Its not until we look at them burning out for example, we realise it’s because they don’t have boundaries at work and say yes to overtime all the time, or when we look at the reasons, they are stressed, it can be because they are taking on too much from others and not saying no, or we look at the reasons they are unhappy in a relationship because they aren’t communicating their needs therefore their needs aren’t being met. I can keep giving a million more examples, but you get the picture. I too can also relate to having to improve on some of my boundaries in the past and have noticed the benefits from doing so. Thus, it is incredibly important to talk about boundaries because they ultimately hold the key to a big proportion of our happiness and wellbeing!

Why have boundaries?

Without boundaries we will be unlikely to practice self-care, self-respect or self-compassion. We will not be in a position to communicate our needs in relationships – work or personal and very unlikely to make time and energy for ourselves and positive (battery charging) activities.

Different types of boundaries

Generally, there are what I describe as rigid boundaries (avoiding intimacy, unlikely to ask for help, has few close relationships, little sharing of personal information etc), porous boundaries (overshares, difficulty saying no, overinvolved with others, accepting of disrespect, fears rejection) and then healthy boundaries (somewhere in the middle of these).

We can then go deeper and look into physical, intellectual, emotional, sexual, material and time boundaries. So, there is a great deal to think about when it comes to boundaries.

What’s a session on boundaries like with Aberdeen Bespoke Counselling?

Aberdeen Bespoke Counselling can most definitely help you with boundaries. Normally we start by exploring the impacts of not having boundaries has had on you until now and then focus on how we can move forward and set up healthy boundaries together. We often then can visit each of the boundaries above and exploring what boundaries you may already have in place and where new boundaries need to be created. If my clients feel they would benefit from some practice, I can create some scenario work too. Sometimes real-life examples can be helpful and an easy way to practice the art of saying no, assertive communication and asking for what you need. We might also deep dive into what unhealthy boundaries, thinking and behaviours look like. This work can often be linked to low self-esteem, so a little work on confidence may come into it too!

Tips for healthy boundaries

At first, it is very natural to feel a little selfish, guilty or even awkward but try to do it anyway and remember its your right to a healthy life! Know your tell-tale signs – if you notice you are frustrated or complaining about a situation, maybe there is a need for boundary there. Learning to set boundaries is like learning a new skill and it can take time, and you may start off with one or two boundaries then progress onto having boundaries in all aspects of your life. Maybe involve those closest to you, let them know you are working on boundaries and some might even come their way, and it would be great to know you have their support! Last but not least, remove any toxic people from your life who drain you of energy, manipulate you or are harmful to your mental or physical health. Stay strong, take your time and practice!

Conclusion

Boundaries are a positive compass to how to live your life. Ultimately, they will help you to clearly ask for what you want and need in your life and be able to say no to things you don’t. Remember its your life, so who else are you to live it for but you!

If any of this sounds inspiring, useful or motivational – please do reach out to Aberdeen Bespoke Counselling and we can get to work on your boundaries together.