Childhood bullying & Adult bullying

What is bullying

Bullying is a form of unacceptable and aggressive behaviour which causes an individual to be in some form of distress, suffering or upset and this occurs often in places such as school or work place. When someone mentions bullying, what do you initially think? Playground bullying? I think a very high percentage of us can remember some form of bullying in our childhood whether it be by a teacher, a fellow class mate, family member or even someone you didn’t really know. Bullying can take various forms such as the obvious ones of verbal (hurtful comments, threats), physical (tripping, hitting, pushing into, and much more), some form of exclusion (leaving out, not inviting, leaving on their own), sexual (sexuality is used as a weapon), financial (withholding money), and cyber bullying (which I could write a whole other blog on!).

I write this blog as it is a topic close to my heart, an experience I have had in the past and an issue that is frequently brought to my counselling room. I have considerable knowledge on this subject and write this blog from both a personal and professional stance.

Bullying in childhood

Childhood bullying is so common now that is it almost not seen as a major concern. Up to 35% of people are estimated to have experienced childhood bullying at some point. So, there is often the expectation that we should be ‘over’ our bullying episode by now. However, the mental health impact of bullying can be considerable and lifelong. Around 20% of people who have been bullied, experience some kind of mental health issues later in their life.

(https://theconversation.com/childhood-bullying-can-cause-lifelong-psychological-damage-heres-how-to-spot-the-signs-and-move-on-100288 Accessed 20 August 2021)

Bullying in adulthood

What do I do if I’m being bullied at work?

Firstly, check your work policy probably there is a ‘Bullying and Harassment policy’ where examples of unacceptable behaviour will be highlighted. Even if your employer does not have a policy, they have a legal duty of care to protect you at work. If it feels that you are being bullied then raise this with your HR Department. You can also speak to ACAS for some impartial advice. Your options are essentially to leave the job, stay and do nothing, or stay and raise a grievance.

I want to quit my job because I’m being bullied, can I?

Please note that if you leave and do not raise a grievance you will have no legal recourse and cannot take your employer to an employment Tribunal.

How can I show that I am being bullied?

Proof is not the be all and end all of proving you have been bullied. It is a very grey area and feelings are, after all, viewed as subjective. I would encourage keeping a note of events, dates, times, any witnesses or emails etc. Examples of bullying might be spreading rumours, giving you a heavier workload than your colleague, withholding training courses everyone else is going on, being made fun of, not showing you respect, screaming at you, showing violence or aggression of any kind etc etc

What is subtle bullying?

This kind of bullying can be carried out in a variety of ways; manipulation, calculating or cunning behaviours, exclusion or even talking about you behind your back. It is an extremely negative process and often a slow one that turns progressively worse and often self-doubt can set it and even self-blame.

Complexities of bullying in the work place ‘adult bullying’

I would like to say with confidence that your bullying will be recognised and justice will be had, but sadly the experience of those who come to me for counselling on this matter, is that this is not always the case. If it is a manager in a company, an HR manager, or a colleague with some strong contact to the business then things aren’t black and white and companies don’t always do the right thing. A research article I recently read on bullying, stated ‘You leave behind a bullying culture and others will likely be bullied after you have left. Only resign and walk away if you have thought about it very carefully and you are truly prepared to put the experience behind you’. I understand but disagree with this. Not everyone has the strength to raise a grievance after months of traumatic bullying, not everyone is prepared to spend the next part of their career explaining they left their last job due to bullying and not everyone can fight sometimes what is a losing battle against the corporate world.

Raising a grievance is no easy or simple task, more especially if the person carrying out the bullying is at a more senior level than you. Others can be drawn into the process; loyalties are expected but others may act in a way that ensures the safety of their own jobs. Bullying in the workplace is complex and grievances aren’t always the best way. Consider the likelihood of your grievance being upheld. How impartial is your HR department or is it very much closely knit with management? Most of all even if your grievance is upheld will the person who bullied you remain within the company and if so do you feel they are they capable of change? Please bear these in mind when making your decision. Walking away from a bully is not a cop-out as some might think. It takes strength and willpower to walk away from any kind of bullying, as you’re likely to be a changed person, with your confidence on the ground, your faith in good people disintegrated, your mental and physical health affected and your relationships / friendships being affected around you. So, to walk away from a bully who is doing that to your life is a triumph in my eyes.

Youth Bullying Stats

Through doing my research for this blog, I found a report that highlighted that bullying as a whole has increased by 25% year-on-year. It also continues to ‘identify that the half of those bullied felt they were targeted because of attitudes towards their physical appearance. 14% of respondents never like themselves, with a further 24% saying that they do but only rarely. When asked broadly about their mental health, 42% said they have battled with anxiety, 25% with depression and 21% with suicidal thoughts’. (https://www.ditchthelabel.org/research-papers/the-annual-bullying-survey-2020/ Accessed: 20 August 2021)

In another blog on an independent fostering agency website, I found the following; ‘1 in every 4 young people in the UK experienced bullying in the past 12 months with 77% of those being bullied explaining that it was harmful to their mental health. Furthermore, one third of those that were bullied explained that they had suicidal thoughts following the victimisation, highlighting the seriousness of the topic.

·       Almost a third (30%) of victims of bullying explain that they are bullied at least once per week.

• Nearly half (47%) of bullying victims believe that they were bullied due to their physical appearance.

• 72% of those who reported getting bullied experienced a moderate to extreme negative impact on their confidence’

(https://perpetualfostering.co.uk/insights/bullying-statistics-uk-2021/ Accessed: 20 August 2021)

Adult bullying on the rise

Also, on another website Liz Rosling writes in her blog; ‘Last year we conducted a survey with the aim of helping UK SMEs become better workplaces for employees and employers alike. After surveying 2,000 UK based employees on their experiences at work to date, our findings revealed that:

• 23% of the British workforce has been bullied at work

• 25% have been made to feel left out in the workplace

• 12% admitted to struggling to make friends in their place of work’

(https://www.smeloans.co.uk/blog/bullying-in-the-workplace-statistics-uk/ Accessed: 20 August 2021)

Effects of bullying can have on mental health

Bullying can affect you mentally, emotionally and physically. In the short-term, bullying can easily lead to a person feeling depressed, anxious, experiencing low self-esteem, having sleeping issues and even suicidal thoughts. Research is starting to reveal that those who were bullied in their childhood are at a higher risk of mental health problems in adulthood.

In the longer term, for many the effects of bullying don’t just go away. Mental health difficulties can still become apparent, such as depression, general anxiety disorder, panic disorders, loneliness, avoidance of certain places/people, eating disorders, insomnia, stress, long term damage to self-esteem and confidence and again suicidal thoughts.

In the counselling room – feelings that often come out

Often when a client comes to discuss childhood bullying it’s about giving them the opportunity to open up and for someone to really listen what happened to them, especially if they had never told anyone. It’s not about opening up old wounds but being given the chance to tell their story. Often, we will explore how that childhood bullying has affected them, what it changed in them and challenges they now live with because of it. They might realise they are where they are, because they worked so hard to prove all those bullies wrong. They might realise they are in a place they don’t want to be, but are there to prove to the world they could be there. They might realise how much they have missed out on a great deal by closing out life due to how they felt after the bullying.

If a client is currently being bullied then it’s maybe more about having a really safe place to tell of their experience, with no judgement or involvement. It can also be a good place to explore all the options that are open to them together with objectivity. Most of all it is a place they can come to be treated with respect, help build/rebuild their confidence and self-esteem, and try to restore their faith in human beings.

Common feelings after being bullied might be embarrassment, frustration at not being able to stand up for themselves, anger towards themselves and the bully, and feeling an injustice being done (if a situation was not resolved properly) and a feeling of loss (loss of a job, a life they had, a change they didn’t want to make, colleagues they got on well with, loss of a part of them as a confident person).

PTSD and Bullying

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder…. What do you think of when I say that? Maybe soldiers come back from a war, a natural disaster, yes? What about witnessing an assault, being in a road traffic accident, childbirth, physical or sexual assault or bullying? Also, Yes! Not everyone who experiences trauma will develop PTSD. It can be complex and depend on number of factors - the duration of the trauma, how severe the event/experience was, or if it was unexpected. Symptoms of PTSD might be flashbacks, feeling numb to emotions, difficulty regulating your emotions, hyperarousal causing sleep issues for example, hypervigilance or just avoidance.

What you can do

If the events were in the past or present there are things you can do. You can start to take back control of your thoughts, emotions and behaviours. You can start to work on your self-esteem and confidence, ensure you are not isolating yourself and are open to new opportunities. Learn to be assertive, and not ‘people please’. Focus on you and your personal growth, focus on the future and be patient with your healing process. If these things feel somewhat overwhelming then please do speak to your GP, a professional Counsellor or someone close to you that you trust.

What about the bully?

People who bully will highly likely come from a troubled or unhappy life and are taking that out on you. In ‘Best day Psychiatry and Counselling’ website they suggest that bullies are ‘more likely to abuse substances and alcohol. This can continue into adulthood, when they are more likely to abuse their partners and spouses, or their children, or to engage in criminal behaviour’ (https://bestdaypsych.com/the-effects-of-bullying-on-mental-health/Accessed 20 August 2021). Another interesting fact I stumbled across; ‘that in 12 of 15 school shootings, the shooters had been bullied’ (https://www.stopbullying.gov/ Accessed 20.8.2021)

Conclusion

If you are being bullied now, I want to give you a virtual cuddle and say well done for surviving what you are enduring. Know that it will end and you will move on to better and even enjoyable days in your life again. I can safely say you are already a strong and resilient person. You will change but ensure these changes are positive, not bitter ones which keep you stuck in the past. Keep moving forward, onwards and upwards, and you will get your life back.

If you feel you are being bullied right now, have been bullied in the past and it still affects your life, –as always, please do reach out for the support that you deserve – www.aberdeenbespokecounselling.co.uk.