‘To spare oneself from grief at all costs can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness’

Eric Fromm

I just finished a touching article by David Kessler an expert on healing after loss, author of 6 books and co-author of a book with Kubler-Ross and Hay. David Kessler writes this article about the death of his 21 year old son which even as a professional grief specialist did not prepare him for his own personal loss.

The article refers to the well-known five stages of grief denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Acceptance is about acknowledging the reality of the loss and most importantly not just a plain and simple acceptance of the loss. These stages are carefully explained as not being boxes for people’s emotions or set stages which you must go through in that order, but just a description of the general process one might experience after a loss. The part of the article that really stayed with me was that there is now a stage six “we acknowledge that, although for most of us grief will lessen in intensity over time, it will never end”. What a powerful statement and a statement that will probably ring true for many. This statement really resonated with me personally and with my clients. Sometimes there is that expectation that the client will hopefully move forward to stage 5 and the pain lessens for them however that’s just not what is important. It’s about being able to process stage 6 when they are ready, manage their grief a little more each day and then come to terms with the fact that part of their heart will always be missing now.

The more positive part of stage 6 is also all about finding some sort of meaning to your loss and transforming that grief into something meaningful to you. Kessler describes his meaning was the love he feels for his son, trying to keep others from dying of the same thing and the reflection on how enriched his life was with his son.

Finding that focus, purpose or direction seems to be the important part of keeping moving forward, otherwise you can remain stuck. Grief is extremely powerful and can bring a huge variety of emotions out in you - bitterness, anger, depression, frustration or even a loss of reality. Feeling very alone in your grief and no one truely understands how you are feeling can be a very natural part of the process. (If you would like to read more on Loneliness - click here - The Superpower of Loneliness)

When working with clients who have experienced loss, I ensure I allow them to explore each of those stages as slowly as they need, in whatever order they need, and support them as best I can through their grieving process. It is about being with them, walking alongside them and helping them reach that stage 5 and hopefully stage 6 even if those stages seem forever distant. Kessler describes his grief very personally by being at the deep end of the ocean and knew he wouldn’t be ready to move from there for quite a while. An empathetic friend said some deeply powerful but comforting words to him “I know you’re drowning. You’ll keep sinking for a while, but there will come a point when you’ll hit bottom. Then you’ll have a decision to make. Do you stay there or push off and start to rise again?” That still makes me emotional now re-reading that…

Grief sadly is something we all inevitably will experience in our lives. If we let ourselves love another then one day its likely we will experience grief. They are intimately intertwined together. Another important part of grief is to try and not let that pull of disconnection overpower you. Having support from friends, family or a professional can make the difference between experiencing grief and complex grief. If you or a loved one are experiencing grief just now or even in the past and feel it was something you never really allowed yourself to process or go through any of the stages I hope you will reach out to Aberdeen Bespoke Counselling now or in the future.