Intro

Recently in my private practice as I viewed my diary, I noticed something… that half my clients were men and half are women. Previously I would have said it was on average maybe 1/3 men and 2/3 women. My first thought was that how great it was to see that 50% of my clients were men. All the recent mental health campaigns, Man chat rooms and mens’ mental health days are maybe finally paying off. I then was lucky enough to notice a course online with James Hawes who is a Psychotherapist, Author, Speaker, Supervisor and Trainer.  He is an advocate of positive change and emotional fitness. Over two decades he has gained extensive experience in his field, helping hundreds of men, boys, couples, families and teenagers along the way.  I didn’t hesitate and booked the course and had no idea what to expect. Maybe I could get a magic key for how to help men open up more?!

Early doors

Interestingly we started at the beginning with stereotyping, phrases and even how you are dressed as a boy. Gender conditioning with ‘strong little soldier’ ‘Now big boys don’t cry’, ‘you’re tough and strong aren’t you’. Any of these ring a bell? Boys are dressed in blue and girls are dressed in pink. Even in toy shops there is the pink isle and the blue isle. All of this starts very young. We were also told a story, where two kids were put in a room, they dressed the girl as a boy and the boy as a girl. Two adults were told to go in a play with them – the ‘girl’ was being played with gently with toys on the floor and the ‘boy’ was doing some rough and tumble play. Yet both the actual boy and girl were enjoying the play time. However, the adults assumed that would be the type of play they liked just because of their gender. My point being we can all be guilty of a little genderism with no harm meant.

Teenage years

Then boys grow up into their teenage years and are surrounded and bombarded by society with things like FHM (essentially a soft porn magazine), sport, maybe a strip club, films and programmes where men are strong, the hero, tough, taking responsibility and aren’t seen to be ‘woose’. Depending on your culture the construction of masculinity can also be very different. And of course, each man is an individual with his own values and morals. What media messages were you given or do you recall?

Sad facts

Sadly, society’s expectations have added to the pressures on men in recent times. Therefore, they have been less likely to reach out for the help they need (although I notice this is changing!) or even go to the GP. Did you know 13 -14 men a day are killing themselves in the UK today? Suicide rates are actually higher in Scotland than England and Wales. In 2019 833 suicides in Scotland (620 were men). Even closer to home, 10 % of deaths by suicide in Aberdeen were under 20’s and men. These figures are still a stark reminder that society needs to keep working on support for men. And we as individuals need to keep checking in with our own fathers, grandfathers, uncles, cousins, brothers.

Samaritans have recently pointed out that the common risk factors for men in the middle age bracket have all been intensified by the pandemic. Main themes from the helplines have been loneliness and social isolation. Now more than ever it is not the time that men should feel that they ‘have to put a brave face’ on. What does stop men reaching out? Is it their beliefs, attitudes, upbringing or society pressures?

Can society better support men and boys

As adults, men tend to be moulded by society to not be emotional, not feel pain and deny their feelings. James Hawes sadly quoted that around 95% of his clients would say that their father wasn’t emotionally available, however did encourage them to achieve, achieve, achieve, when most would just long to hear ‘I love you. Proud of you son’. Men can often pour out vulnerable emotions through the channel of anger, because anger is an acceptable emotion for men in society. If you think about a night out and you saw two men scuffling about fighting what are your thoughts? If you saw two women scuffling about fighting, what are your thoughts? Are they different thoughts? I will admit I would be more shocked by the women fighting than the men. Do we collude with unhealthy masculinity or do we question it? If you would like to read more on anger just click here ‘The Truth about Anger’.

As the generations have passed, openness I think has improved. If you think what types of conversations your grandad to your dad had, then the conversations your dad has with you, and maybe even the conversations you have with your son? do they differ in the level of openness?

In the counselling room

I definitely see in the counselling room, if the right environment is there (safe, non-judgemental, caring and respectful) then men do open up. I can see them experience in some cases emotion for the first time in their lives, I can see how much they try to hold back tears and how there is almost that nano second they are awaiting a laugh or joke at their expense but then they realise it’s not coming in this receptive environment and continue with their story. I try to avoid any lengthy theoretical presentations and know to try and avoid any extended silences (these I have definitely been told are not popular in therapy with men!). I believe in using metaphors and understand stories are often their way of communicating. Often humour and banter may come into the session, is this allowed? Of course! We therapists are human after all! As I do with all my clients I try to be as genuine as I can be in the therapeutic hour.

In the recent course with James Hawes, I was reminded of a few important things whilst also working with men. These were to be aware to always check in with how in touch they are with emotional states, to check in and offer the feelings wheel (I offer that to nearly all my clients), to help them come to terms with the fact feelings aren’t the enemy, to help them process and release their emotions and finally TO ensure they have some self-compassion (again one I encourage with all my clients). So maybe when all is said and done, we are all human beings and there are few differences in the counselling room.

My business is named Aberdeen Bespoke Counselling for a reason. I believe that everyone is an individual, learns in different ways and responds in different ways. I see each client as a new and exciting individual personality that I can work alongside. As they walk through my door (or appear on line!) I look forward to working with them according to their needs (and not their gender). Often self-disclosure can be helpful, if used in a reassuring way and avoiding them feeling dismissed or not normal. As always lots of empathy can go a long way with anyone.

In summary

I think I began, by raising the point about differences in how men are brought up, as well as what they are subjected to by society, movies and magazines. Then I spoke about a course I attended, which was all about working with men in therapy. As I continued to write this blog, I then circled back round to my experience in the therapy room. This is where I see the person, their personality, their shyness, their outgoing characteristics and less so their gender. Perhaps if we keep moving in the direction of encouraging men to reach out for support they need, and keep providing safe spaces where they can speak freely from society, social or cultural rules then they can find a peaceful way of being and less lives can be lost.