The Hidden dangers of pleasing others

Clues that you might be a people pleaser

When I say people pleasing what do you think? Nice, easy going person, accommodating, or do you think pushover, take advantage of, take and not give? Many view people pleasing in a variety of ways, however I write about it today as a gentle warning for those people pleasers out there. ‘Warning’ may sound quite severe but it is to ensure those people pleasers are doing so without any detriment to themselves, their relationships and their futures.

Examples of people pleasing can be as simple as your friend saying ‘where shall we go for coffee?’ and you reply ‘I don’t mind, where ever you want to go’, or it could move up the scale a little. You are at work and your boss wants to finish early and head for a night out. He/she asks you to take on this urgent project (despite your important family dinner) and you answer ‘yes sure no problem’. Or even further up the scale – you’re in a relationship and your new partner is ready to take the relationship to a different level and buy a house together.  You reply ‘yes great let’s move in together if that’s what you would want’ (despite you not being ready for this or giving yourself time to think about it).

Some people pleasing behaviours might be recognised as having a need for people to like you, trying to avoid rejection, always trying to escape an argument, saying yes a great deal (when inside you can be screaming Nooooooo), agreeing - whether you do or don’t agree, or apologising for things you did (or didn’t do) all the time. You might struggle with feelings, might not even know who the real you is, or have a lack of free time. I think I have set the scene a little bit now…..

How did it happen?

Type of personality, upbringing, confidence levels and even how you feel about confrontation, can be just some of the things that can contribute to you being a people pleaser. People pleasers can often have low self-esteem and gain confidence through approval of others. If your family values were strongly about doing right by others, rightly or wrongly, this could have contributed to you pleasing others and not yourself. If confrontation was something you never experienced or maybe had a very negative experience with, then people pleasing can most definitely stem from that. It can also be the result of learned behaviours that started because of a work situation, new relationship, different friendship etc and it can be a slow burner that just creeps seductively into your life.

How it can affect you and your relationships

When did you last say what you wanted out loud to a friend or a partner or family member? When were you last asked what you want? Is the answer, recently, or can’t remember? Do you pick the restaurant, or the hobbie or where to walk or does someone else? Sometimes we have moved so far away from our own needs that we can forget what it was like to have them. Those people we please can also be aware or not aware, of your people pleasing and either way they can sadly get very used to not giving but just taking. People pleasing can be simply about care and appreciation of another, however sometimes it means you can neglect you and your needs. You can experience an internal frustration and others may experience frustration at you not ever speaking your mind. You may get stressed or exhausted saying yes all the time and the impact can be damaging.

Conquering the people pleaser in you

·       Try to recognise the situations in which you people please, and the people you try to please the most, and reflect on this. Maybe ask yourself why you are doing that and how it makes you feel

·       Imagine what it would be like not to people please. How would you go about it, what might you say?

·       Practice asking for what you want with those you feel most safe with

·       Buy yourself time instead of diving in and saying yes. Say ‘sure let me have a think about it and I will come back to you’

·       Learn to acknowledge what your needs are, and what they are in the relationships you have with others. Some of your people pleasing you might be ok with, like friends picking your coffee shop for example. But the bigger and more important needs might be the ones to focus your energy on changing

·       Think about the way you communicate. How easy do you find it to say what you want or need. When growing up was it easy then?

·       Look into boundaries, what they are, what healthy ones are, what boundaries you would like to have most. Decide on your limits on how you are to be treated. Be clear to those who may be crossing that line and start to slowly take back control

And finally

We only have one go at the life we are given, so saying what we need in order for us to survive, enjoy life and be content can only be a good thing. Those who care about us and respect us should understand and encourage the people pleasing side out of us - if we want to rid ourselves of it!

If you find you are recognising some people pleasing aspects in yourself whilst reading this article and/or feel you would like to explore yourself and your needs, please do reach out for the support you need from Aberdeen Bespoke Counselling.