The Truth about anger

What do you think about anger?

What springs to mind when I say anger? Rage? Aggression? Red? Pain? Emotion? Fear? Intensity? Boiling over? Dangerous? Threatening? That previously would certainly have been some of the words that would have sprung to my mind if we played word association!

Is there a positive way to look at anger?

Yes there is, but have you ever until now, considered there may be positive aspects of anger? Not only that, but anger is an emotion and it is like every other emotion – it is entitled to be expressed when it arises. Here are just some examples of the positive side to anger – release, relief, standing up for self or others, speaking up, change, strength, authenticity, awareness, powerful, awake, rise up.

What is your experience of anger?

If a client comes to therapy with anger issues it is often either because they are feeling that they may have an issue with how they express their anger, or it might be how others are expressing it towards them. I try to start at the beginning and might ask some questions like, “what do you do with your anger? What is your trigger for your anger? How do you express your anger? How do you feel during and after you have expressed it?” Then maybe move onto exploring the outcome of the situation. Anger can actually be a useful defence and on occasion can keep you safe.

What is your anger type?

Recently I have carried out some research into anger and attended a couple of courses from the well-known James Hawes. James is a Psychotherapist, Speaker, Trainer and Author of ‘Secret lives of Men’. He is an advocate of positive change and on a lifelong mission to impart men with the tools they need to cultivate a wide spectrum of emotional expression, becoming emotionally fit as a result.

He described four types of anger: - passive implode, aggressive exploder, passive aggressive, rage- old anger, and assertive being the end/ideal goal which we should all be striving towards. Each type is not set in stone. We can maybe recognise two or three types in ourselves, move fluidly through each of the types, or maybe just recognise one in ourselves.

Passive Implode – So this one is very much about the anger staying within you. Why am I like this? Why can’t I stand up for myself? More of a self-destruction mode.

Aggressive Exploder – Where you feel the problem is an external one (not you!). You are the problem! You wound me up! You made me do this!

Passive Aggressive – This is a popular one and happens mostly in relationships. Something bad has happened at work for example. You come home and there might be some silence, some door banging, some sarcasm, the anger is shown but not spoken. Alternatively, the person may not have the courage or ability to show their anger.

Rage – old anger – This is one where the person can do very little to prevent the anger from happening. Often described as a pressure cooker – gets to boiling point and the person explodes with anger. It might only happen 2 or 3 times a year and the person may not feel that they are angry at all in between the boiling points. Often described as that ‘red mist descending’. This can often be a little more complicated, as it might all have very little to do with the present and very much to do with the past. For example, someone could be driving along and suddenly be cut up in the road and right there in that nano second, their boiling point occurs. However, if we dug a little deeper for the reason that was the boiling point, it could be that that person was never really seen as a person growing up and was frequently ignored. So, this not being seen on the road triggered their anger. Quite often it is linked back to something in the past, sometime it’s obvious, other times it can take quite a lot of exploring to make that link.

What anger have you experienced towards you?

Now that I have got you thinking about your anger, what about anger towards you. Have you experienced this? The answer is likely a yes. But was it at work? A colleague or a manager? Was it a family member, a friend, a partner, a stranger? How did each of those experiences make you feel after? Was it different depending on who it was? Where it was? How safe did you feel? Were you on your own? The experiences of receiving anger are vast and range from person to person and the situation they were in and the time could also alter how the anger is expressed.

Interestingly from the course I attended the focus was mainly on men. It was discussed that women generally tend to be more ‘imploding’ and men more ‘exploding’. This then led onto an important discussion on gender and anger, which I will touch on below.

Roots of your anger

FAMILY

What was the model of anger in your family? What we experienced in our childhood homes is very likely to have an impact on your type of anger in the present day. Was there anger expressed? If so what type? Was mum’s anger different from dad’s? Which did you take on, one, or both? What were the messages about anger from your family? Was anger displayed regularly in a healthy manner? Unhealthy manner? Was it never present?

PEERS

Another big factor that can influence your anger type could be your experience with peers. Was there any bullying or shaming in your school years? Were there any pressures from school? Pressure to succeed, pressure to get A’s, pressure to fit in? All these experiences can impact how you have learnt to deal with anger. For example, if you were bullied, were you are able to express that anger, able to stand up for yourself? If not, where did that anger go? Did you ‘implode’? More importantly is it still with you?

GENDER

‘Boys will be boys’. I will try not to be too stereotypical in this part of my blog. However, most of you will hopefully agree that some of the ways gender is viewed with regard to anger are very different.

If you were to see two boys fighting after a night out in the pub, what would your thoughts be? If you saw two girls fighting after a night out in the pub, what would you think? Is one more acceptable than the other? Is one judged more harshly than the other? I would say so. Gender can also be about how you were conditioned to be.  Who were your role models in regard to expressing emotions - particularly anger? As a female, sometimes anger can come out in tears – which could be from shock, frustration, hurt, all those other emotions that go a bit deeper than anger. Men what was your role models way of expressing anger – shout, use of fists, avoid dealing with it, push it aside? What have men learnt whilst growing up? What did you watch on TV? What games were played growing up?

SOCIETY

What rules have we been taught in regard to anger? What are we and aren’t we allowed to do? What is and isn’t acceptable for you? Your family? For example - ‘don’t speak back to me’ ‘don’t you dare complain’ ‘don’t open that can of worms’. Were you allowed to push society boundaries and rules? What was it like in your generation growing up?

Healthy and Unhealthy Anger

Expressing your anger is as important as any other emotion. It’s important that when you feel something you are allowed to follow through and process it. So expressing anger is encouraged in a healthy way, but what is healthy and what is unhealthy? Simply put by James Hawes “it’s about expressing anger in the right way, at the right time to the right person”.

How anger can help you

If expressed healthily anger can very much help you to be who you need to be. It can help you to put boundaries in place to keep you feeling safe. It can help to create resistance or a kind of self-protection. It can simply be part of the grief and loss cycle. It can be a signal of an unmet need – often seen in young people who are unable to express that need and then therefore act out in anger.  It can motivate you to get where you want to be. It can help maintain health i.e. get us to get up and move into action if needed -ie run/punch/protect ourselves if in danger. It can facilitate ‘realness’, help create a defence strategy and avoid built-up stress.

And finally

If you feel you might have an issue with how you express your anger, or even have had an experience, or prolonged experience of being at the receiving end of unhealthy anger, please do reach out to Aberdeen Bespoke Counselling, where you can explore these issues in a safe and non-judgemental environment.