Imposter Syndrome – Want to set yourself free?
What is Imposter Syndrome?
Imposter syndrome is an intriguing phenomenon which I encounter regularly in the therapy room, at work, with friends, family and even with those we would never think could experience it, such as famous actors, authors, or our heroes/role models. It seems to be something we are all or have all experienced at some point. Whether it is as a good mum, a high-power director or manager, a student doing their PhD, or an employee starting a new job. The list is endless. Do any of us walk around thinking “I’m the real deal!” Possibly not, what we are often thinking is more like… “What if they spot that I don’t belong?”. “What if they find out I’m not good enough?”, “What if they realise, I’m a fraud?”, “What if they find me out?” Recognise some of these statements? If so then you have probably at some point in your life experienced Imposter Syndrome and most importantly you are not alone! (If you are ever feeling you dont belong please also read this empowering blog ‘Strong back, soft front and wild heart’.)
Imposter Syndrome is very different to self-doubt or low self-esteem. Having low self-esteem can be more about your thoughts and your feelings about yourself, whereas Imposter Syndrome is more focused on who you believe you are or who you are not! It’s about how we see ourselves as a person. Actually, it’s a bit more like the inner critic but with Duracell batteries and a loud microphone. It’s your inner critic ‘having a field day’ on your confidence.
If you are still unsure you might have imposter syndrome then here are some statements that might resonate with you…….
I feel like my achievements were just luck
I feel uncomfortable talking about or sharing my achievements
When I’m at University/work I feel that others deserve to be there more than I do
I worry about people finding out how little I actually know about this project/topic/course work
I feel like my achievements don’t really prove anything
I think you get the picture now. Imposter Syndrome can come from a variety of places – insecurity, perfectionism, negative experiences, a need for external validation, personality traits, even families who have valued achievement over all else. Symptoms can be an inability to realistically assess your skills and capabilities, attributing your successes to luck or chance, fear of never living up to certain expectations, sabotaging your own successes or opportunities, setting almost impossible goals and much more!
What not to do? ☹
There are a great deal of courses out there for ‘fixing’ imposter syndrome but these almost always focus on the fix or surface level issues. I believe they are trying to make a bridge between current you and the you you want to be. Yes it sounds right doesn’t it? However for me, it feels like putting a big bandage or sticky plaster over the issue and not getting to the root cause of it. If any training or coaching is not carried out well, it could even fuel or start a negative cycle of imposter syndrome. So……
What you can do! 😊
The positive news is there are a great many ways to cope with Imposter Syndrome. You can be aware of your warning signs which I touch on more below, you can work on ways to cope yourself or if you feel you need that extra support (that Inner critic is growing into a big dark shadow following you everywhere you go!) then therapy might be the way to go Aberdeen Bespoke Counselling can help you with this. It can help you work on your Imposter Syndrome, get you back into a good place, reduce that shadow and most importantly help you believe in yourself again.
If you are looking for a safe place to start, then here are some things to do. Ask yourself some hard questions – Must I be perfect for others/my work/my studies? Are my standards realistic for me? What are my core beliefs and values (not those of my families, my friends, or work colleagues, but mine)? When did my Imposter Syndrome start? What had changed in my life around that time?
Ways to cope:
Opening up to those closest to you (keeping it secret gives Imposter syndrome more power!). Keeping things to yourself can help the issue grow arms and legs
Be aware of opportunities coming your way, and try not to dismiss them straight away, give yourself a chance!
Consider, is there anyone else who has ever shared with you their Imposter Syndrome? Could you talk to them, ask them what helped their situation, how did they cope etc.
Try not to avoid that feeling of not belonging. Try to lessen the desire to fit in. Its ok not to walk with the crowds, to have your own mind and be ok with that.
Realistically assess your abilities, your strengths and weaknesses.
Ask yourself how much of an impact does social media have on your Imposter Syndrome? If the answer is – quiet a lot – then think of how you can reduce this.
Question those negative thoughts, try not to let them in and then disappear down that negative rabbit hole. Let them in, be curious about them, then respond to them as you would to a friend.
Small stepping stones – imagine your goals as small stepping stones, don’t jump onto the next one until you feel you are ready. Don’t berate yourself if you didn’t make it to the next one, and give yourself lots of self compassion.
Warning Signs
So we have looked at what not to do and what to do, now we can look at being aware of your Imposter Syndrome warning signs. It’s like most things related to your health and mental health, the earlier you can spot the problem the less damage that is done. Imposter Syndrome is mainly driven by thoughts and these thoughts can have a considerable impact on your body and your emotions. Being aware of when you are burntout or stressed can also help. Experiencing either of these can easily open that door for Imposter Syndrome to just walk right in.
Let’s look at some specific warning signs;
Perfectionism is gradually getting worse
You stop sharing your opinions, you lack self-esteem and have thoughts like “what if I look stupid and people laugh at me?”
Your people pleasing has increased
You find it difficult to absorb important information due to stress or burnout. Stress literally effects the blood flow in our brains and actually makes it physically hard to retain information!
You don’t go for that job promotion, job application, university course, volunteering position etc
You cant absorb any positives or dismiss the positives and hold on tightly to those negatives
You hold back any ideas, beliefs or thoughts
You go quiet in meetings, finding yourself just listening to others and switching off your light
Procrastination has become a daily battle
Your body can also keep you in the loop when Imposter Syndrome is looming. When you are stressed or heading towards burnout, what do you experience? Stomach/gut issues? Tense neck and shoulders? Eye twitching, clenched jaw? Fidgeting? Headaches/migraines? Yes yes and yes! You might be saying. Our body does try to warn us when we are heading down that road, so try hard to listen to what it’s telling you. If we manage to pick up those warning signals we can make a change early and make sure that door isn’t open to Imposter Syndrome.
In the therapy room……
You might wonder how therapy can help you with Imposter Syndrome? Well firstly and foremostly it would give you a really safe space to talk about it, without any judgement. We would look into the important questions as mentioned earlier eg when did Imposter Syndrome first come into your life, what was going on at that time and then try to reach below the surface issues. There would be some explorative work together, looking at assumptions -V- reality, setting realistic limitations and resetting the bar of expectations on yourself. We would work together on reducing negative thinking, improving confidence and self-esteem, and most importantly develop a new and healthy life script. If you are wondering what a life script is, it’s just a path laid out for you which we will design together. We might even focus on the value you provide to your work, your family, your friends and hone in on all those positives we all dismiss on a daily basis. There is a great deal you can work on in therapy however the most notable thing to consider is that we work through it together, with professional support and someone who can walk along beside you on this journey to rid you of Imposter Syndrome.
A final word from a Counsellor
Another way to look at Imposter Syndrome is that you see some achievements in your life being simply the result of luck. Maybe a change of perspective might help. Could you look at it as an opportunity for you to become the person you want to be? I love the saying, “when you climb a mountain and you are at the top admiring the view, remember to turn around admire and be grateful for how far you have come”.
Try not to be overwhelmed with that big shadow, be more curious than judgemental and bring out all the self-compassion you can muster. If that just feels too challenging then please do reach out to Aberdeen Bespoke Counselling at www.aberdeenbespokecounselling.co.uk.