The Super Power of Loneliness
Intro
Loneliness, ….Alone, ……Social isolation…. something as 2020 hit I think we all felt at some point. However, there are differences between each of these words which is explored below. “I feel like I don’t have any meaningful relationships” “I feel like I don’t really exist” “I feel like no-one needs me” are just some common thoughts of someone feeling loneliness or alone. In this blog I hope to explore the different words associated with loneliness, its symptoms and its impact on us. I will also share my experience of how loneliness is described in the counselling room and the myth that loneliness is something that only older people experience (I think covid blew that myth out of the water over the last year!). I will also touch on the difficulties of loneliness and its link to (yes I’m going to use the C word) – Christmas. Finally, and most importantly, I will offer you some understanding of your loneliness and some helpful tips how you can tackle it and start to feel different - good different!
What it is
So having read various definitions of loneliness the one I liked best was the one that described it as a state of mind. Loneliness can cause people to feel empty, alone and often crave face to face contact. It can feel like an involuntary abandonment or rejection by other people. Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Alone is more a state of being. Some people may choose to live alone, be alone and are ok with this, whereas others are alone and not wish to be and feel isolated. Social isolation however, is the one we have all got to know over the last year. It is often about staying at home and having no social interactions. This could be due to loss of employment, a bereavement, separation, low self-esteem, being an introvert, social anxiety, health issues, depression, belonging to a minority group, experiencing discrimination - the list is endless. It could also be, the result of the one we all know, all too well - Covid 19.
Recap - difference between alone and loneliness
Loneliness is a state of mind, a strong overwhelming feeling, need for human contact and feeling alone. Alone is a state of being which could be perceived as a positive or negative, depending on the person and the situation. And I suppose loneliness, alone, social isolation, can all be interlinked with one another in a whole host of situations.
Symptoms of loneliness
This is a very tricky part of loneliness in that everyone can experience an extremely wide range of symptoms but I will try to explore just some of these. On the surface someone might have family members, might have a group of friends, acquaintances, colleagues etc but without that deeper/closer connection you can still feel very much alone in the world. It might be that you are desperately eager to socialise but you still feel social anxiety. Being neurodiverse or being an introvert holds you back to the point you can’t go out. Also, it might be low confidence and self-esteem which prevents you from making it out to any occasion. Or, it could be you make it out there to those social occasions and try to form any sort of bond or new friend but it’s never picked up on or reciprocated. It could be you attend so many events trying to meet people you are burning out and are actually disengaged or exhausted when you are there and not able to show off the best you. It could be you are trying to get out there but there isn’t the right group for you, you don’t fit into the book club type, you’re not an international person, you’re not a mum with a toddler, you’re not a hill climber and you just can’t find where you belong. Again, the list is probably endless but you might have managed to relate to one of the above and know how much an impact it can have on you and your mood.
Impact of loneliness
We can all experience loneliness or feeling alone but when that feeling goes on and on and on it gets harder to see your way out of it and a whole multitude of problems can begin. Mood can be the first to go which could end up leading to depression. Sleep is often affected. If there is anything on your mind, you can probably relate to those nights where you lie awake, or fall asleep and wake up at 2am unable to get back to sleep again. Stress from the frustrations of your situation can then start to creep in. Why can’t I just go there? Call them? Go to that event? Pick up that phone? Speak to that person? Then come all the more serious impacts such as high blood pressure, more severe mental health issues and if limited support networks and coping mechanisms are not in place then a different kind of harm can happen. Self-harm, drugs or alcohol misuse may start or increase or even eating may be affected. (To learn more about addiction; ‘refreshingly bold stance on addiction and trauma’). Loneliness is an extremely powerful emotion and state of mind.
In the counselling room
Where do I begin…………? Before Covid 19 struck I think loneliness was very much out there in many different forms, although possibly in a slightly simpler form. For example, is it more acceptable to say you are lonely now? Are you more likely to say to someone I’m quite lonely just now? Has loneliness increased in the younger generation? My answer would be yes to each of those questions. Either way Loneliness is something I am seeing with all ages of my clients from 17- to 70-year-olds. I think the younger generation are battling starting University at home behind a computer screen. They missed out on welcome meetings, Freshers nights out, committee/society groups and hobbies/sports etc. So that meant instead of getting out there and making those all-important friends (which might I add can be life long ones) they were seated at their computer with a screen full of strangers, no social life, no study buddies and yes quite alone. Some are also just struggling to study online, that is probably another blog for another day though! However, that said everyone can’t just learn online. Each of us has a unique learning style and when limited to just one way of learning it can have detrimental impacts on progress.
If I have learnt anything from my experiences in the counselling room, it is never to underestimate the absolute super power of what loneliness can do to an individual. It can start with loneliness, can lead to depression, to being alone (cutting oneself off from the world), and it can also lead to suicidal thoughts or actions. I think it very important as a counsellor to figure out which type of loneliness a client is experiencing, in order to ensure you are working towards the most appropriate steps forward for each individual. For example, for some who are alone it might be about exploring ways to get out to find opportunities to meet people and make that human contact. Or if it’s loneliness it might be about helping that person build on, maintain or re-establish meaningful relationships or just providing that human contact/connection through the therapeutic relationship. Or if social isolation is the main issue help them find coping mechanisms to get them through a set period of time would be appropriate. If social anxiety is apparent building confidence, steps towards attending social gatherings and working on self-esteem would be helpful. Loneliness is something we have probably all experienced at some point. However, the way we each experience it is very personal and unique.
Christmas Day and Holidays………
Christmas is just around the corner and some of us will be spending that with our families (covid dependent), some of us are still unable to get to those ‘red’ countries to see our families, and some may not have any family or are estranged from their family.
Regardless of our situations society has the same expectations for all of us – be jolly, be festive and be happy. However, life throws us curve balls all the time and this isn’t a reality for many. The pressure to have a relaxing, rejuvenating, frolicking in the snow Christmas doesn’t always happen.
And just to complicate it even more some of us can be with our families over Christmas and still feel lonely. It might be that Christmas can involve arguing, bickering, or even some form of abuse. It could be that your family just don’t have that strong emotional connection or support for one another and avoid talking about anything around feelings or emotions. It might feel like your family meet ups are surface level, superficial or even disappointing. It might even be that just being around family is a very tricky experience as it can trigger uncomfortable or disturbing memories. So, either way you might be asking how the hell do I get through Christmas and the Christmas holidays?
What can help loneliness or Christmas Loneliness
As above we have figured out there are all different types of loneliness and we all experience it differently. So, when I run through some ideas that might help, please just pick out the ones that you feel are right for you!
Family events
Try to keep a positive mindset and remember you have full control over you and your behaviours but not other peoples
Have a get out clause, if you need a bit of time, just let them know in advance you may need time-out to recharge those batteries
Have a support person on standby – that person who can give you strength, make you laugh in those awful situations and can ground you if need be
Keep expectations at a realistic level – if you have high expectations then the chances are the people or the occasion won’t be likely to meet those expectations
Be aware of your triggers. Know who or when they are likely to happen and have a plan in place for how you are going to deal with them on the day
General loneliness
Understand which type of loneliness you experience and see if you can accept the feelings that come with it
Become aware of your loneliness and think about what you need to help change the situation for the better
Explore what are the impacts of loneliness are for you on your life, your health etc
Focus on making quality relationships not quantity
Reach out to a professional. Counselling can be beneficial in numerous ways for loneliness
Try to open up to someone you trust and you know will be supportive
Self-care - just keeping up the basics - good healthy diet, fresh air, exercise and a good sleep routine
Don’t fall into the comparison game
Consider going to places where there are people – local shop, cinema, library, museum, local park
Work on your confidence and self-esteem – knowledge is power. Try books, podcasts, Ted Talks, Utube videos whatever speaks to you personally
Isolation
Join a new group or even better start your own
Make some changes - but at your pace and when you feel ready
Start a new hobby or sport – exercise is good for you and you can meet new people
Be creative. If you have any creative passions – revisit those paints, crochet, or drawing
Create small achievable goals which will start to get you in the direction of being with more people or meeting new people
Try Volunteering, it’s a great way to meet new people, give back to your community and feel part of something
Reach out to those resources which are well versed in supporting people through loneliness – Samaritans, Childline, The Mix, Breathing Space, NHS, or for private counselling The Counselling Directory.
Conclusion
To summarise loneliness can have a devastating impact on each and every one of us if we experience it for an extended period of time. It can affect our physical and mental health, our jobs, our relationships and much more. It also important to be able to recognise the differences between lonely and being alone. Now that you are aware of the symptoms and how it can affect your or your loved ones, I hope you can recognise it when it occurs and take the important steps towards getting the support you need. Once you are aware of it, if you or someone you know feels alone or experiences loneliness please prioritise and consider carefully how you are going to deal with it. It is not something to ignore and it is incredibly important to reach out when it feels overwhelming. If you are struggling with any aspect of loneliness, I hope you will consider therapy with Aberdeen Bespoke Counselling, but whatever you do please remember there are people out there that can help.