How to ensure your First Narcissist experience is your Last
Foundations of Narcissist Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is one of several types of personality Disorders. It might be possible you have met someone with NPD - your boss, your partner or a family member. If you have had a close relationship with someone with this disorder it is often a negative experience. Narcissists can victimise those around them by just being themselves. This may appear to be a severe criticism, however if you have ever heard the stories from someone who has been victimised by a narcissist (or gas lighted) then I’m sure you would agree it is accurate. Childhoods have been ruined, marriages/partnerships destroyed and relationships ended in devastation (on one side) – this is for those who have been close to or spent a lengthy period of time with a narcissist.
When you meet someone with NPD for the first time in a relationship for example, it’s likely they will be highly romantic, sweep you off your feet and you will be deep in the honeymoon phase. That said, very very slowly they will start to make jokes, make fun of you (but it’s just banter right?) but then the jokes turn into belittling and name calling which ever so gradually reduce your self-worth, self-esteem and confidence down to below zero.
Symptoms
The basic premise of NPD is an inflated sense of self-worth. A strong need to be appreciated, admired and an inability to have empathy for others, regardless of the situation. Narcissists will often consider themselves superior, entitled, and can be seen to be demanding, boastful, controlling, envious, arrogant, ignoring of boundaries, very blaming and very good at deflection. They lack the ability to be honest and open about themselves or be responsible for their actions and will do whatever it takes to get what they want. They are unlikely to follow rules or obligations, and will expect loyalty and gratitude from you.
People with this disorder can often appear to be patronising, condescending or even snobbish. They will easily point out the failings of others but will never be able to acknowledge their own.
When interacting with someone with NPD be prepared to:
Ø Support them at all times, but receive little support back
Ø Have what is important to you, not be important to them
Ø Have a superficial friendship and relationship with them
Ø Feel anxious, worried and frequently doubt yourself
Ø Forgive and forget, but this will not be returned
Ø When vulnerable with them, at a later date they will use it against you
Ø Apologise regularly but never to receive an apology back
Ø Focus on them, their life and what’s been happening in their day
Ø Experience them as very very nice, or very very wicked and cruel
Ø Be insecure, in shock, or even panic regularly
Ø Experience little sympathy if ill or struggling with life
Ø Show little care and affection for animals
Ø Be lied to with no remorse if found out
Ø Experience their anger, rage or in extremely harmful cases physical violence
Ø Gradually lose family or friends in your life
Above all else, be aware they are very unlikely to ever change.
Despite all these qualities underneath all that, there is often anxiety, shame, fear of rejection or being made a fool of, a person who is highly attuned to perceived threats, a fragile person and maybe even a perfectionist.
And did you know – random piece of information for you - this disorder was actually named after a mythological Greek character called Narcissus who became obsessed and in love with his own reflection in a lake!
Are narcissists born or made?
There is still a great deal of research to do on NPD and therefore it has not really been possible to say for sure the cause of this disorder. As with most personality disorders it can be genetic (inherited characteristics), trauma related (childhood abuse) or family context (circumstance/environment they grew up in).
This disorder has been linked to a variety of things such as excessive criticism or excessive pampering during childhood. It looks to me like it is incredibly complex disorder to research as everyone is subject to numerous influences, experiences, upbringings, has different outlooks on life and unique personalities etc.
Narcissist -V- Gas Lighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. For example, a barrage of manipulation and brainwashing that causes someone to doubt themselves. Narcissism however tends to focus on lying and exaggerating their sense of self to hide their fragile self-esteem.
The term seems to have come from either …….1944 George Cukor film Gaslight, where the male protagonist controls his wife and tricks her into thinking that she is gradually losing her mind. Or a play in 1938 called ‘Gas Light’ where a woman’s husband tries to convince her she is mentally unstable by changing small things in her environment and then making out she is imagining them such as dimming the gaslights in their house!
Gaslighting is an extremely abusive ploy used to make someone doubt their own thoughts and feelings. The truth can be manipulated to the point that person’s reality is questioned and the process is done so slowly that the person does not realise it is happening. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting carried out by a male or female. However, the statistics show a higher proportion of males carry out the gaslighting. My experience leads me to agree with the latter, as in the counselling room I have met a great many young females who have experienced NPD relationships or been gaslit by their male partner.
If you are unsure if you are being gas lighted or in a relationship with a narcissist here are just some phrases you might hear:
Ø ‘I was only joking’
Ø ‘We talked about this, don’t you remember?’
Ø ‘You are imagining things’
Ø ‘Your being irrational/over-sensitive/thin-skinned’
Ø ‘Stop being so sensitive!’
Ø ‘You can’t take a joke anymore’
Ø ‘Why are you upset, I was only kidding’
Ø ‘You’re reading into this way too much’
Ø ‘I criticise you because I care about you’
Ø ‘If you were listening’
Ø ‘You are simply paranoid’
Ø ‘If you were paying attention’
Ø ‘You are so ungrateful, after everything I do for you’
Ideally, as soon as you realise you are being gas lighted you should leave. Get support from friends, family and ideally a professional. Having said that, this is not always straightforward as the victim may be isolated from friends and family, be financially dependent on this person, or may not be aware of the support that is available. There is support via local charities, private counsellors/psychotherapists, University or College support systems or through your GP. A Counsellor can be a neutral, non-judgemental, and safe person you can start to rebuild your life and confidence with.
Aftermath of Narcissist Relationship
Where do I begin? The damage done by someone with NPD or someone gas lighting can be horrendous and it can take months, even years depending on the level and length of damage done. Survivors of this (and this is first-hand experience in the counselling room) lose themselves, their identities, their confidence, trust in themselves and others. Their mental health has been dragged through the mud and then back through the swamps of despair. It can even have affected their physical health to the point they are now chronically ill. They have experienced unrelenting criticism, their nerves are completely shot, and emotionally they are exhausted and empty. In some cases, they are completely alone as friends and family have gradually been frozen out by the narcissist. The effects of this overall can be catastrophic and quite often and most heartbreakingly they ultimately blame themselves for not realising what was happening, not picking up on it sooner and almost always end up asking - why me? If you would like to read more about loneliness visit my next blog - ‘The Superpower of Loneliness’.
In the Counselling Room…. Starting to heal
Sometimes a client may come to counselling right in the middle of the narcissist storm, or come for other reasons and are yet to learn that it’s because of the narcissist in their life, or come just after they have ended their relationship with a narcissist. Whenever they come, Aberdeen Bespoke Counselling is ready to support them. There is often a lot of heart wrenching but inspiring work to be done from the therapist point of view. From the client’s point of view there is significant soul searching and work to do to get their lives back.
Initial steps are often helping that person realise they were in a relationship with a narcissist and then help them come to terms with that. Or it can be to realise they are in a relationship with a narcissist and if they want and are ready, support them in coming out of that relationship. Next step can involve basic boundaries such as no contact or setting boundaries for any contact that is necessary (if there are kids involved for example).
The middle steps are helping the client piece themselves back together again, working on confidence, trust in themselves, their judgement and their gut instinct. Learning how to trust in others again (this one takes time!), reduce and remove all blame to self, explore all the emotions they have and had during this experience. Learn about boundaries – physical, emotional, financial, sexual, intellectual for future relationships. Learn self-compassion and self-care. Encourage rebuilding a support network i.e., help get back in touch with estranged friends and family.
The final step is to help educate and learn about NPD and gas lighting – knowledge is power! Learn what the red flags are in order to feel confident to never to go back there. Learning to put your needs first again. Sometimes I find myself wishing there was a class on personality disorders especially NPD at every secondary school in the country. If there were, I’m sure it would avoid a colossal amount of heartache, destruction, devastation, abuse, and lives being ruined. It would also help people to understand their friends, colleagues, family members who may have a personality disorder – avoid prejudice and allow a greater understanding of others.
Is there a treatment for someone with NPD?
There is no such ‘cure’ for NPD. However as with all personality disorders Counselling can assist with the every day battles of these. Talking is an important and effective treatment and working alongside a professional can help gradually work on personality traits, outlooks and how to treat people in a more positive way. Issues such as anxiety or depression often come hand in hand with personality disorders and may also be addressed. The primary aim might be to focus on how to treat others, work with their emotions, feelings, fears and underlying self-esteem.
Medication is not available specifically for NPD however if a person is experiencing anxiety or depression then medication can be used for any of these additional conditions. Again, there is help out there whether it be someone to talk to e.g. a Counsellor or your GP or a psychiatrist.
In the end….
If you believe after reading this blog you have been in a relationship or currently are in a relationship with someone with NPD please do reach out. It is never too late. Acknowledging you are in or have been in such a relationship is not an easy path. You will likely want to stay for that person you first met and fell in love with or because of the hope they might one day change but no emotional (or physical) abuse is worth staying for. Your decision to leave may feel like a game of table tennis back and forth but eventually you will make the right decision for you to leave and once you are out of that situation life will be very different. You will now be in a toxic free environment, you will think more clearly, to be able to trust yourself and your gut instinct again and make new (and reunite old) healthier relationships. You are not alone in this and with time and support you can recover. Aberdeen Bespoke Counselling can be part of your healing journey.
Other resources:
www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/